>This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say >the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing >the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause". >This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal: >"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?" >"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." >"What sort of trouble?" >"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went >away." >"Went away?" >"They disappeared." >"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" >"Nothing." >"Nothing? >"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." >"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" >"How do I tell?" >"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" >"What's a sea-prompt?" >"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" >"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!" >"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" >"What's a monitor?" >"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. >Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" >"I don't know." >"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power >cord goes into it. Can you see that?" >"Yes, I think so." >"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into >the wall." >"Yes, it is." >"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two >cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." >"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other >cable." >"Okay, here it is." >"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of >your computer." >"I can't reach." >"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?" >"No." >"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, >it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." >"Dark?" >"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in >from the window." >"Well, turn on the office light then." >"I can't." >"No? Why not?" >"Because there's a power outage." >"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you >still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came >in?" >"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." >"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it >was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." >"Really? Is it that bad?" >"Yes, I'm afraid it is." >"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" >"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer." >
> You May be a Engineer/Computer Geek... > > > If you stare at an orange juice container simply because it says CONCENTRATE. > If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 > If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" > If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner > If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys > If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned-out bulb in the string > If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts > If your idea of a fun evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest Sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies > If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is > If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven > If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush > If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project > If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance > If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is" > If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it > If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires > If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal > If you have more toys than your kids > If you need a checklist to turn on the TV > If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work > If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight > If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary > If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting > If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life > If you spend more on your home computer than your car > If you know what http:/ stands for > If your lap-top computer costs more than your car > If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support... > 12) "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" > 11) "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it." > 10) "So-what are you wearing?" > 9) "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" > 8) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n." > 7) "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." > 6) "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery." > 5) "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." > 4) "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." > 3) "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" > 2) "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics." > and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support... > 1) "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks >his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong >place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. > >Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with conditions in >hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, >they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, etc. >and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. > >One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says, "So, how's it >going down there?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. >We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and >there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." > >God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- >he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, >"No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." > >God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs >uproariously >and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a >lawyer?"
> Subject: THE CASTAWAY ENGINEER > > A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the > Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. > Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the > huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, > desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on > a secluded island. > > Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, > there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat > under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous > woman in a small rowboat appeared. > > "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the > cruise ship, too?" > > "Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?" > > "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced > gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a > Eucalyptus tree." > > "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. > > "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south > side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain > temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. > Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where > have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." > > "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. > > "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer > nodded dumbly. > > She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up > the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back > splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a > Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. > > "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down > please; would you like to have a drink?" > > "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" > > "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still > out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." > > Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat > down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the > woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" > > "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I > ended up on this island." > > "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." > > The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom > and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. > Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how > she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back > downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he > walked. > > "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into > something more comfortable." > > As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short > time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a > revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. > > "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time > with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is > there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men > and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!" > > "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is > something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, > it was just...well, it was impossible." > > "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said. > > The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You > mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?"
> > excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton -- > > > > 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to > > "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the > > "Any" key is. > > > > 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse > > was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out > > to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. > > > > 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man > > complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files > > from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and > > heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the > > customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the > > typewriter to type the labels. > > > > 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective > > diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer > > along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. > > > > 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled > > floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked > > the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, > > getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. > > > > 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his > > computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, > > the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of > > paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting > > the "send" key. > > > > 7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so > > a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got > > me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead > > was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for > > me to find a couple of geeks." > > > > 8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard > > no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with > > soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing > > all the keys and washing them individually. > > > > 9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was > > enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an > > invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" > > and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. > > > > 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't > > get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer > > was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she > > pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on > > this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out > > to be the computer's mouse. > > > > 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her > > brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the > > unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for > > something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed > > the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" > > > > 12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: > > Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" > > Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" > > Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my > > warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" > > Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" > > Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." > > Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because > > I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, > > at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? > > Does it have any trademark on it?" > > Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a > > promotional. It just has '4X' on it." > > At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he > > couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the > > CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Subject: Software Packages
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
marketing name: Fiancee1.0.
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger,
it has taken all his free space; and Wife1.0 must alway be running before he
can do run any other program. This is particularly bothersome, since wife 1.0
has
an extremely long bring up time(Yes even longer then GirlFriend3.1).
Although
he didn't ask for them, when Wife1.0 was installed so was MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- Removal off all those obscure error messages or
On-line help to explain the messages and the corrective actions necessary
.
- Reboot in diagnostics mode.
- Recall default settings, to erase all those trial and error settings that
over time degrade the program operation.
- Undo Option (To easily remove all traces of the last mistake(s) )
- An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they
tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall
Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to
uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing
that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is
totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated
contacts.
***** BUG WARNINGS ********
Wife 1.0 has conflicts when trying to run with:
BeerDrinking (Especially Versions 3.0 +)
GuysNightout (All versions)
Ex-Girlfried (All versions, but especially ones with
enhanced graphic packages)
DO NOT install MSMoney and Wife 1.0 on the same system.
Wife 1.0 has a bug that will delete MSmoney files without notice. In
addition. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0,
Wife 1.0 will delete all MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
WIFESPEAK: ENGLISH TRANSLATION GUIDE
WIFESPEAK ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
--------- ------------------
You want. You want.
We need. I want.
It's your decision. The correct decision should be
obvious by now.
Do what you want. You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk. I need to complain.
Sure...go ahead. I don't want you to.
I'm not upset. Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly. You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period.overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains. and carpeting, and furniture...
I need wedding shoes. the other 40 pairs are the wrong
shade of white.
Hang the picture there. No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise. I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something
expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really
not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
No No
Maybe No
Yes No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better
get used to it.
I'M NOT YELLING! Yes I am yelling because I think
this is important.
In answer to "What's Wrong?"
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're an asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up steam
> >ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS:
> >
> >"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
> >"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
> >"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
> >"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
> >"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
> >"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
> >"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
> >"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
> >"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
> > .... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his
> >car...."
> >"Tow-ers will be violated"
> >"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
> >"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
> >"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
> >"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
> >vegetarian."
> >"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
> >"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
> >"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
> >"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
> >IRS."
> >"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
> >"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
> >"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
> >"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
> >"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
> >"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
> >"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
> >"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
> >"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
> >"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
> >"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
> >"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
> >"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
> >"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
> >"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
> >"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
> >"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
> >"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
> >"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
> >"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
> >"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
> >"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
> >"i souport publik edekasion"
> >"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
> >"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
> >"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
> >"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
> >"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
> >"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
> >"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
> >"rock"
> >"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
> >"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic
> >particles."
> >"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
> >"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
"Interesting" "Facts" (or not)
The following is a list of some useless, yet surprisingly interesting
facts that someone spent waaayyy too much time researching... enjoy!
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
* Coca-cola was originally green.
* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treas.
* Smartest dogs: 1)border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever
* Dumbest: afghan
* Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
* First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer".
* There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
* Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
* Men get hiccups more often than woman.
* Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
* Chances that an American lives within 50 mi of where he/she grew up: 1in 2
* Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each
salad served in first class: $440,000
* City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong
* State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
* Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
* Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
* Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28
* Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38
* Estimated percentage of American adults who go on a diet each year: 44
* Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36
* Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43
* City with the highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Wash., DC.
* Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they
had it to do all over again: 80
* Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50
* Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58
* Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85
* Number of different familial relationships for which Hallmark makes cards:105
* Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
* Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World:70
* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
* Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
* Portion of potatoes sold that are French-fried: 1/3
* Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7
* Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90
* Percentage of mammal species that are: 3
* Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are
above national average: 50
* Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
* Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7
* Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
* Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanan
* Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
* Only president to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy, for "Profiles in Courage"
* Only president awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying
vessels over shoals
* Only food that does not spoil: honey
* Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
* Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
* Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig
* Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
* An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
* In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
* Polar bears are left-handed.
* Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
* Eskimos never gamble.
* The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
* The youngest pope was 11 years old.
* Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
* Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
* Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
* Your nose and ears never stop growing.
* Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined.
* Hot water is heavier than cold.
* The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
* They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better.
* Starfish have eight eyes--one at the end of each leg.
* Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation
* Armadillos can be housebroken.
The list of BAD pick up lines.
1.Want to go back to my place get a pizza and fuck?... What you
don't like pizza?
2.The word of the day is legs, lets go back to my place and spread
the word.
3.I get off around two. I'd sure like to get you off about a half hour
later. From the movie "Road House"
4.Hey baby, I heard you can suck a mean dick.
5.Can I put my finger up your anus?
6.So....do you live someplace??? -from the movie "CLERKS"
7.God Damn you are one good looking SON OF A BITCH!!! (only
works with the right voice inclination)
8.So--Do you want to go in halves on a kid?
9.I love every muscle ( or bone) in your body--especially mine.
10.I wish you were a buffet so I could lay you out on the table and
take what I wanted.
11.I like your shirt. I would love it crumpled on my floor.
12.My name is Peter Pan. I could take you to Never-Never Land.
13.Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
14.Your parents must be bakers, cause you have great buns.
15.You know that outfit looks good on you, but I'd look better.
16.Let me sit on your lap and we'll talk about the first thing that
pops up. (Or else you could say: Why don't you sit on my lap...)
17.Did you eat your Frosted Flakes? Because you bring out the tiger
in me!
18.Hey baby I have a nice poster above my bed, wana check it out.
19.Fast...darlin I'm so fast I can wake up in the morning rob three
trains, hold up the nearest stage shoot the feathers off of a ducks
ass at 300 yards, and still be back in bed before you wake up...
From the movie "The Quick And The Dead" (roughly translated)
20.You must have a mirror in you pocket 'cause I can sure see myself
in your pants.
21.Baby, If I'da made the alphabet, I would've put U and I together.
22.Hey baby, got any (your nationality) in ya'? Want some?
23.Hey baby, come with me for a minute and a half of pure ecstacy.
24.I promise I won't come in your mouth.
25.For you....I'd sleep in the wet spot.
26.I'm gonna follow you home!
27.I'll have you tonight, whether you're there or not.
28.I love you, for $20 I'll love you in two spots.
29.Don't force me to kill you.
30.Wow, you're much prettier in person, than when I maturbate.
31.I could choke you without using my hands.
32.Nice shoes.....wanna fuck?
33.I have a tatoo on my ass wanna see it?
34.How do you like your eggs in the morning...fertilised or
unfertilised?
35.I don't want this to sound like a come on but, you wanna fuck?
36.My name is Bob Barker. Get it? No! That's it take your clothes
off.
37.Baby, you are the puddin' in my bismark...
38.You like apples? Well I'm gonna take you back to my place and
fuck you! How do you like them apples?
39.I always carry protection; you never know when your pen might
leak.
40.You know what they say about the size of a man's calculator.
41.How 'bout breakfast tomorrow? shall I call you or nudge you
42.Baby, why don't you sit on my face and let me guess your weight?
43.(Splash beer on target and yourself then remark) Hey, why don't
you and I go back to my place to get out of these wet clothes.
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By
Women
(and what they actually mean)....
10
I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of
that inbred banjo-playing geek in
"Deliverance.")
9
There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are
one jurassic geezer.)
8
I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are
the ugliest creep I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7
My life is too complicated right now. (I don't
want you sleeping over or else you may hear phone
calls from some of the other guys I'm seeing.)
6
I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat
and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5
I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I
wouldn't even date you if you were in the same
'solar system', much less the same building.)
4
It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3
I'm concentrating on my career. (Even
something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is
better than dating you.)
2
I'm celibate. (I've sworn off all men like you.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by women
(and what it actually means)....
1
Let's be friends. (I want you to hang around so I
can tell you in excruciating detail about all the
other men I meet and have sex with.)
The male perspective on the same
issue...
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men
(and what they actually mean)...
10
I think of you as a sister. (You're fat.)
9
There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're
fat.)
8
I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're
fat.)
7
My life is too complicated right now. (You're
fat.)
6
I've got a girlfriend. (You're fat.)
5
I don't date women where I work. (You're fat.)
4
It's not you, it's me. (You're fat.)
3
I'm concentrating on my career. (You're fat.)
2
I'm celibate. (You're fat.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men
(and what it actually means)....
1
Let's be friends. (You're fat, and ugly too.)
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they
turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign
language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over
and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on
my penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull
on my penis.......... fifty times"
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but
they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here,
I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times
a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's
office:
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is
worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they
smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. Now that we've fixed
your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
================================
A woman of a certain age is walking down the street when she hears a
voice say, "You will live to be 105." She attempts to ignore the
voice, but it continues and she finally figures out it is God speaking to
her. The woman figures if she's going to live such a long life, she's going
to look good so, she takes advantage of every trick known to modern
medicine - Boob lift, tummy tuck, face lift, liposuction, the works. About
six months later, she's again on her way down the road. She steps
off the curb and is hit by a bus. When she arrives at the pearly gates she
demands of God, "Why did you have me die when less than a year ago you told
me I'd live to be 105?" God's response: "I didn't recognize you..."
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together,
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning
comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he
emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the
bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door,
exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of
him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared,
and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his
anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
**************************************************************
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from
his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the
kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big
sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to
repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the
pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay-doesn't that mean you
put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around,
whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER
complain about my cooking again!!"
**************************************************************
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle
laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant
you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish$to drink vodka whenever I want, so
make me pee vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a
glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and
it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like
vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out
of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka.
Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two
glasses. The result is the same. The vodka is excellent and the couple
drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his
wife, "Natasha, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink
vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the
table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife
asks
him,
But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and
says,
"Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle." ;->
Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Man: "So what is it you do for a living?"
Neighbor 1: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example I see you have a dog house out back.
By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Man: "That is right"
Neighbor 1: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Man: "Right again"
Neighbor 1: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Man: "Correct"
Neighbor 1: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Man: "Yup"
Neighbor 1: "That is deductive reasoning"
Man: "Cool"
Later that same day
Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that" >
Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Man: "Fag."
Star Wars Sex Lines
(not in any order)
Star Wars
Look at the size of that thing!
Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?
She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.
Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!
Sorry about the mess...
Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!
You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.
You've got something jammed in here real good.
Put that thing away before you get us all killed!
Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
You're all clear kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!
Into the garbage chute, flyboy!
The Empire Strikes Back
I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that,
huh, kid?
Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?
And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!
Possible he came in through the south entrance.
Hurry up, golden-rod...
That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.
But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm...
Control, control! You must learn control!
There's an awful lot of moisture in here.
I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!
Return of the Jedi
Not bad for a little furball.
Rise, my friend.
How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?
Open the back door!
I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!
Hey, point that thing somewhere else!
It's just a dead animal...
Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?
Keep on that one, I'll take these two.
I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie.
What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did?
He never expressed any unhappiness with my work.
I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.
You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?
I never knew I had it in me.
Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab.
There is good in him, I've felt it.
If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably
short circuit.
I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can." (Jerjerrod)
with reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them. (Vader)
Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it.
Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie! with "A little higher,
just a little higher.
Short help's better than no help at all.
Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.
Back door, huh? Good idea!